Start With Values

1. Values are your internal compass for a meaningful life.

Values guide us, despite the noise and haste of our lives.

Defining values. Values are what matter most to you, serving as an internal GPS that continually evaluates the optimal route to your life's destination. Unlike beliefs (convictions of truth) or morals (standards of right/wrong), values are the core principles that determine whether an event is stressful or enriching, guiding you towards what is meaningful and right. Living in alignment with these core values is a valiant act, requiring clarity, vitality, and commitment.

Why values matter. Values are architects of fulfillment, leading to a more reflective, internal form of accomplishment. Research by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan shows that living in alignment with values leads to a higher quality of life, reduced stress, and greater happiness. This is because values act as a psychological stabilizer, easing internal conflict and freeing us from indecision.

Clarity and purpose. In a world of overwhelming choices, clear values cut through uncertainty, illuminating paths that align with your authentic self. This clarity creates control, simplifying decisions by eliminating options that don't resonate. As Steve Jobs noted, trusting in something—like your values—makes all the difference, guiding you to say "no" to misaligned paths and "yes" to fulfillment.

2. Discover your core values through introspection and admired figures.

The values you admire in others are both a mirror and a compass pointing you toward your own North Star.

The Values Pyramid. This model helps identify how values shift based on context, from foundational survival needs to higher states of being. It categorizes values into:

• Survive: Security, food, water, shelter, financial stability.
• Belong: Love, friendship, community, fairness, sustainability.
• Growth: Learning, achievement, curiosity, physical/mental fitness.
• Impact: Influence, status, wealth, leadership, advocacy.
• Fulfillment: Meaning, gratitude, wisdom, spirituality, social contribution.
  While survival values are foundational, the goal is to consciously explore and prioritize values that lead to engagement and thriving.

Methods for discovery. To uncover your unique core values, reflect on moments of deep fulfillment, identifying the underlying values. Consider people you admire—their qualities often mirror your own values. For example, admiring Nelson Mandela's resilience and equality might reveal these as your own core values. The book also offers a Values App and a comprehensive list to aid this process.

Refining your list. Once you have a list, refine it to your top five, then ideally to three, by asking: Is it essential to your identity? Does it evoke a strong gut feeling? Is it consistently present in your daily actions? Does it align with your future vision? This rigorous process ensures your chosen values are profoundly resonant and actionable.

3. Prioritize intrinsic values and make them actionable micro-habits.

The satisfaction you get from acting based on intrinsic values comes from the act itself, not from what it will earn you in external rewards or recognition.

Intrinsic vs. extrinsic values. Intrinsic values (e.g., creativity, kindness) are pillars of your sense of self, providing satisfaction from the act itself, regardless of external rewards. Extrinsic values (e.g., wealth, status) depend on external circumstances or others' judgments, making them precarious. Prioritizing intrinsic values offers more control and a stable foundation for well-being, as you can act on them daily regardless of external circumstances.

Values must enable action. Transform abstract values into kinetic verbs and actionable behaviors. For example, instead of valuing "love," aim to be "loving." Apply the SMART framework (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound) to set concrete intentions, like "Tonight, I will be a loving father by reading a story to my child for 15 minutes." This operationalizes values into your routine, reinforcing their feasibility.

Micro-habits for values alignment. Micro-habits are tiny, incremental actions that, when repeated consistently, lead to profound behavioral shifts. They bypass the brain's natural resistance to change (homeostasis) because they are too small to register as threats. James Clear's "1% better every day" principle shows how these small, consistent efforts compound into remarkable results over time, fostering "micro-fulfillment" and a virtuous cycle of behavioral reinforcement.

4. Master stress to align actions with your values.

When our system is flooded with stress hormones, and we’re stuck in a heightened state of alertness, our perspective narrows.

Stress sabotages values. Under pressure, our values become obscured by the physical and mental fog of the stress response. When the nervous system shifts into survival mode, immediate reactions become reflexes, not deliberate choices. This habitual stress response can eclipse values-driven behavior, making it challenging to act in alignment with what matters most, often confining us to the base level of the Values Pyramid.

The zebra vs. John. The zebra's acute stress response is efficient for physical threats, leading to immediate action and a quick return to calm. Modern humans, however, face psychological stressors (deadlines, emails) that trigger the same physiological response without a physical outlet. This leads to chronic stress, rumination, and elevated cortisol, eroding mental well-being and hindering access to higher-level values.

Cultivating calm. To mitigate knee-jerk reactions and align with values, it's crucial to deliberately calm the nervous system. Practical tools include:

• Mindfulness Meditation: Reduces amygdala reactivity, strengthens prefrontal cortex.
• Breathing Techniques: Activates parasympathetic nervous system (e.g., Tactical Calm: inhale 4, exhale 6).
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Reduces physical tension.
• Grounding Techniques: Reconnects with the present moment (e.g., 5-4-3-2-1 method).
• Regular Physical Activity: Metabolizes stress hormones, releases endorphins.
  Mastering calm frees cognitive and emotional resources to embody higher-level values.

5. Make values-based decisions for clarity and fulfillment.

When you know that the path you’re choosing resonates with your values, the emotional toll associated with decision-making dissipates, replaced by a newfound sense of clarity and resolve.

Risks to decision-making. Many factors can hinder clear, confident decisions:

• Analysis Paralysis: Too many choices lead to inaction and stress.
• People Pleasing: Prioritizing others' needs over your own, betraying personal values.
• Emotional State: Strong emotions cloud judgment, leading to impulsive choices.
• Cognitive Biases: Confirmation bias, anchoring, and availability heuristic distort perception.
• Fear of Failure: Leads to risk-averse behavior or avoidance of decisions.
• Decision Fatigue: Mental energy depletion from too many choices.
  Values-based decision-making cuts through this noise, focusing on options that resonate with your authentic self.

Intuition as a guide. Intuition, or "gut feel," is a powerful mix of learned experience and innate biological processes. When actions align with values, positive emotions become "somatic markers" (Antonio Damasio), etched into neural pathways, guiding us towards value-aligned choices. Conversely, negative markers serve as internal alarms. While intuition is valuable, it's crucial to discern between genuine insight and unconscious biases.

A values-based decision-making process. For momentous decisions, a structured approach provides peace of mind:

1. Identify the Decision: Define it clearly.
2. Confirm Core Values: List your top values in priority.
3. Explore Options: Brainstorm all possible actions.
4. Options with Values: Cross-reference each option with your values, scoring alignment.
5. Prioritize: Identify the most values-aligned option, weighting by your top value.
6. Assess Impact: Evaluate consequences for yourself and others, short and long-term.
7. Take Action: Choose and act with confidence.
8. Set Review Date: Schedule a time to reassess the decision.
9. Reflect & Learn: Draw lessons for future choices. This process reduces cognitive dissonance and affirms your identity.

6. Cultivate environments and rituals that reflect your values.

The ambiance of a space tells the story of its values.

Values-based environments. Our surroundings subtly shape our mood, decisions, and actions. Just as a yoga studio exudes tranquility or a gym motivates achievement, consciously curating personal or communal spaces to mirror values reinforces them. This involves creating mood boards, identifying visual themes, selecting symbolic artwork and decorative items, and planning their placement. This process ensures values are not just represented but lived and experienced daily.

Neuroaesthetics and values. This interdisciplinary field explores how aesthetic experiences influence our emotions and cognition. When environments are thoughtfully curated to reflect values, they engage the brain in a way that reinforces these values, making them more accessible. For example, a Zen garden's simplicity promotes calm, while a home with upcycled materials reinforces sustainability. Spending more time in places that align with your values can significantly enhance well-being.

Values-based rituals. Beyond grand rites of passage, daily rituals regularly honor and affirm our values. These are deliberate pauses for introspection and appreciation, proven to diminish anxiety, enhance performance, and strengthen bonds. Examples include:

• Gratitude: Writing three things you're thankful for nightly.
• Family: Weekly device-free family dinners.
• Nature Stewardship: Weekly nature walks, collecting litter.
• Creativity: Dedicating an hour weekly to a creative hobby.
  Crafting rituals involves identifying a core value, ensuring personal relevance, integrating sensory experiences, incorporating symbolism, and committing to consistent practice.

7. Leverage visualization for values-aligned achievement.

Visualization is not just a self-help technique. It’s a scientifically proven tool for goal achievement and values-based living.

The power of mental rehearsal. Visualization is a powerful tool used by high performers like Michael Phelps to enhance performance and achieve goals. By vividly imagining desired outcomes, we activate the same neural pathways as physical practice, improving skills and fostering a growth mindset. This mental rehearsal helps stay calm, focused, and optimistic, preparing for success and overcoming obstacles.

Expectation effect and RAS. David Robson's "The Expectation Effect" highlights how beliefs and expectations shape reality, similar to the placebo effect. When we visualize positive outcomes, we create a mental blueprint that our brain strives to follow. The Reticular Activating System (RAS), a network in the brainstem, filters information and prioritizes focus. Visualization strengthens the RAS, making it more attuned to opportunities aligned with our goals and values, filtering out distractions and unhelpful thought patterns.

Effective visualization practices. To visualize effectively:

• Set Clear Intentions: Define what you want and why it's important (e.g., "I value serving others, so I will complete my nutrition coaching certificate").
• Use All Senses: Imagine sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feelings associated with the desired outcome (e.g., celebrating with a client who transformed their health).
• Practice Regularly: Dedicate a few minutes daily, ideally during a morning routine, attaching it to an existing reliable habit.
• Vision Boarding: Create a collage of images and words representing goals and values.
• Guided Imagery: Listen to recordings that guide you through achieving goals.
  This practice enhances motivation, resilience, and helps prioritize values-aligned activities.

8. Beware of junk values and extreme values-alignment.

Just as consuming junk food leaves us hungry for more, junk values keep us on a treadmill of constant craving, pushing us to pursue things that don’t bring long-term fulfillment.

Junk values. These are values prescribed by social media, convenience, and consumer culture that divert us from what truly matters. They prioritize external validation (materialism, fame, external approval, perfectionism) over intrinsic fulfillment (meaningful relationships, personal growth). Chasing junk values leads to a perpetual cycle of dissatisfaction, emptiness, and often, depression, as they lack the emotional and psychological sustenance needed for well-being.

Shifting from junk values. Recognizing junk values is the first step. Regret is a clear sign a value has been violated. To shift, use 'if-then' planning:

1. Awareness: Recognize when you're about to engage in a junk value behavior.
2. Pause & Reflect: Consider consequences and divergence from core values.
3. Redirect: Use a pre-planned response (e.g., if reaching for fast food, then choose a healthy snack).
4. Reinforce: Celebrate small victories.
5. Repeat: Form new habits through repetition.
6. Resilience: Treat falters as learning, not failure.

Risk of extreme values-alignment. While values guide, taking them to an extreme can lead to detrimental effects, even tragedy (e.g., Genghis Khan's "strength, loyalty, unity" leading to devastation). Examples include:

• Compassion Overdose: Leads to burnout and neglecting personal boundaries.
• Innovation at All Costs: Creates instability, overlooking foundational elements.
• Perfection Pursuit: Causes paralysis, endless tweaking, and harsh criticism.
• Freedom Extremes: Leads to chaos, lack of responsibility, or harm.
• Competitive Edge: Can lead to cutting corners, unethical behavior, and damaged relationships.
  Ancient wisdom, like Yin and Yang, emphasizes balance. Values function best when harmonized with other character dimensions, ensuring sustained well-being.

9. Communicate your values to build trust and deeper connections.

Voicing your values doesn’t necessarily require broadcasting them on social media, wearing them on a badge, or announcing them to someone you have just met.

Articulating your values. Giving voice to your values requires preparation and courage, especially when facing resistance. It builds trust, clarifies your intentions, and removes ambiguity. Instead of vague statements, define what a value means to you, list specific behaviors that reflect it, and craft a concise statement. For example, "I value integrity" becomes "I believe in doing the right thing, even when no one is watching." Practice in low-risk environments to gain confidence.

How to discover someone else's values. Understanding others' values dramatically improves relationships and influence. Start with open-ended questions like:

• "What does success look like to you?"
• "When have you felt the proudest of yourself or your actions?"
• "What activities make you lose track of time?"
  The "Five Whys" technique (asking "Why?" five times) can drill down to core motivations. Observe behaviors, actively listen for underlying themes, use hypothetical scenarios, and note reactions in high-stakes situations. This ongoing process deepens understanding and builds mutual respect.

Courageous values-based conversations. Conflicts often arise from value mismatches. Navigating these requires a special kind of conversation:

1. Preparation: Self-reflect on your own values and approach with an open mind.
2. Articulation: Be specific, use "I" statements (e.g., "I value transparency, and I feel..."), and ask open-ended questions.
3. Clarification: Actively listen, ask clarifying questions (e.g., "Can you help me understand the values guiding your perspective?"), and paraphrase to ensure understanding.
4. Common Ground: Highlight shared values as a bridge, or agree to disagree respectfully.
5. Closing: Express gratitude and outline next steps.
   This approach leads to richer, more impactful connections, fostering social fitness and effective interactions.

10. Foster collective values for stronger relationships and organizations.

When you share core values and favorite activities or interests with someone, you likely have a best friend.

Finding values overlap. Shared values are the pillars of strong relationships. For romantic partners, friends, or family, identifying "values overlap" is crucial. This involves:

1. Self-Reflection: Each person clarifies their top values.
2. Open Discussion: Share values and actively listen to each other.
3. Identify Overlap: Discover aligning values that form the relationship's foundation.
4. Address Differences: Discuss how to respect and appreciate non-aligning values.
5. Craft a Relationship Values Statement: A concise declaration of guiding principles (e.g., "As a couple, we value fun, safety, and freedom. We live these values by celebrating joy, honoring our unique perspectives, and respecting our individual needs...").

Family values. Shared family values act as a celestial guide, providing stability and coherence. They are a living manuscript, continuously written by choices and lessons. Co-creating family values involves:

• Discovery: Open dialogue, reflecting on traditions, evaluating challenges.
• Defining: Consolidating common themes, prioritizing 3-5 core values.
• Communicating: Leading by example, narrative learning, positive reinforcement, open discussions.
  This fortifies familial bonds and ensures a shared purpose, leaving a legacy for future generations.

Workplace values. Purpose-driven companies with clear values achieve higher revenue growth, enhanced employee engagement, and greater resilience. However, values often become mere buzzwords if not genuinely lived by leadership and integrated into daily operations. Reinvigorating company values requires:

• Deep Introspection: Do values resonate with current mission/vision?
• Leadership Involvement: Leaders must embody the values.
• Integration: Values guide every decision, project, and hire.
• Communication & Celebration: Storytelling and recognition reinforce importance.
• Training & Feedback: Equip employees to act in alignment and refine principles.
  Co-creating values, perhaps using tools like the Values App, ensures authenticity and buy-in, reflecting the collective input of employees and fostering a balanced ecosystem of diverse values (e.g., Deloitte's Business Chemistry: Guardians, Integrators, Pioneers, Drivers).

Last updated: August 18, 2025